“So close, no matter how far
Couldn’t be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters”

And, She played the song as I was getting photographs clicked standing next to someone else. It was quite a moment actually, She was being drowned by the sorrow of loss, while I was lost murmuring and not being conscious to what was happening, my focus lied on the lyrics Hetfield was humming. The song signifying more than what She and me would have imagined, more than what it actually meant. She couldn’t be far, I couldn’t let her go away from my heart, never will I, never ever.

I had first heard the song when I was a 10-11 year old, to have understood the meaning of it when things we’re crashing down and just the light of her sparkling eyes at a distance of 15 feet was more than what I could have asked for.
I also remembered watching Metallica play to a packed stadium at Bangalore, the light showers and me humming along, the 22 year old me wouldn’t have known back then too as to what the song would mean in years to come.

I had never opened myself that way, never lived my life that way and I never said those words that way, but then.. Nothing else mattered, it wouldn’t except for the fact that She forever will. Nothing else ever will.
Close or far away, nothing else will, never will, everyday day I did open myself up for a different view, and I will, I forever will and I know, know deep within it will not matter, nothing else will matter, but She will.

Life was ours, She lived it her way, I lived mine, intertwined it was but we lived it our way, those stolen glances, the meet ups, the unplanned visits to the bars, then never and nothing really mattered, just nothing and as I look back at that very moment as I stood numb and high on my antidepressant pills, nothing really did. Just me, her and a moment, far away, away from all that mattered, nothing else never really mattered.

And, as I opened myself up for a different view, all that I could visualize was her, standing far across, with her arms stretched and I knew to myself that it’s all that mattered. Without a care, not caring for what ‘they do’ or ‘they knew’, just by ourselves and nothing else mattered.
She will forever be She, just She and that would be it, the summation of all that I love, loved and shall love. The residue of all that I liked, liked listening to, reading and dreaming and visualizing about, and nothing else shall ever matter.

She transported me into her universe as the song played, the camera out of focus, the person standing next to me now blurred by the visuals my mind was witnessing, and it didn’t really matter, nothing really mattered. If a song could ever catapult me into a zone where there lied nothing else but her vision, it was being played, the output in her hands, amplifying all that I had, I felt and I sensed, amplifying the affect of the pills and the good kicks I received as I hummed along.. “Nothing Else Matters”.

P.S: Starting lines from the song, ‘ Nothing Else Matters’ by Metallica
(Songwriters: James Alan Hetfield / Lars Ulrich)

I have been an espresso lover, the aroma and the bitter taste with half a tablespoon of brown sugar to go with it would bring a relief to my tired eyes and soul, I remember there have been times when I had six double shot espressos over countless number of cigarettes just to chase sleep out of my system. If it hadn’t been for a strong cup of caffeine, I would have missed out on work assignments, late night conversations and many of my blog pieces would have been unwritten. This addiction has been a long and strong bond, and I don’t remember having met or known anyone else who shared the same fixation.

I would often tell her about my dependence on caffeine, and the urge to smoke when I needed to focus, while she would laugh it off or count me the cons, I believed She would one day understand what magic coffee, black coffee if not espresso (it was too strong for her likening) was. And, the day arrived, an evening in fact.
I remember her walking down the stairs that led to the open area of the cafeteria we would frequent. She had a rough day at work, although She loved her job to bits, but then it’s only human to crib about stuff we hold close to our heart. The complaining had started, I pretended to be interested while my focus lied on catching her facial gestures, the way her lips quivered and eyes blinked, She would untie her hairs and tie it in a bun to relax herself and breathe out twice, long breaths it would be, I assume She still does the same when stressed.

And, what magic potion apart from black coffee could relieve her, a strong dose to calm her down. She didn’t ignore my suggestion this time, no persuasion and She agreed. Two cups of black coffee, I ordered. I realised, it would be a little bitter for her taste, perhaps a black forest pastry could nullify the same, and there it was too.
The conversation lasted over an hour and a half, and by the time we had realized we had downed a couple of caffeine cups each. I didn’t mind as long as I had her for company, too sweet She was, anything bitter wouldn’t seem to affect my taste with her sitting beside me.

The after effect was to be seen later at night, She cut short our WhatsApp conversation, bid me good night, a couple of hours later She pinged me back, the conversation thus began again with me keeping my fingers crossed, I could sense that She wasn’t being her normal self who would otherwise retire to bed early. Ping after ping, text after text, and it was dawn by the time She remembered that it would be time for her to hit the gym in a couple of hours.
I was being apprehensive, doubting that She might bombard me with her words, the chains of her mood might snap owing to the lack of sleep, but none happened, rather; She sent me a picture of her orange coloured coffee mug, telling me She was feeling fresh as a daisy, the caffeine trick had worked. She had caught up on a movie that was planned for a long time, She could focus on training at the gym and She wasn’t suffering from the early morning blues at work. The saving grace being something black.

It had then become a routine of sorts, a cup of black coffee (I did away with my espresso compulsion) and cigarettes and conversations. Caffeine, Cribbing and She would get along like a house on fire, it would warm my soul too. Her eyes, the dimly lit cafe and conversations. I can still smell her fragrance, the aroma of the coffee and the smoke of the fags. As, I write this piece it’s the black coffee at work, bringing her back to me, no shades of white or grey, all black and all dark and still beautiful.

P.S: She was dressed in black too, my memories just won’t fade. Coffee at work!!

“Nothing, nothing at all”; she murmured; she would do that often, pixelating whatever she had in her mind; a well-defined norm it had become. It wouldn’t leave any room for further questions; questions because: the conversation found no headway, more often than not; I had to shamelessly pursue her with my Whys? ; She would still sing her ‘Nothing’ tune and nothing really followed thereafter. Silence at times, a few more murmurs with her hissing a ‘Nothing’; again. Nothing it really wasn’t, for her ‘Nothingness’ was infectious. It would cut across whatever I had in mind, transcending nowhere and it would head into a zone where lied nothing but an afterthought; “What did she mean by the Nothing??” the question lingering in the mind; but She being She, gave no takeaways at all.

Her words, like her; were often subdued; her silence wasn’t; sandwiched between a few words at times, it was as mystique as she was. The silence that was often set in motion with her ‘Nothings’ was incoherent; making it all the more difficult for me to comprehend the same. Adding to the gravitas of all of it was her calm; hard to ascertain it was, yet so highly serenading. But, underneath all this; there lied something worth every word that she chose not to utter; a battle like none, the warrior in her chose to slay the monsters of chaos with her sword of silence. The ‘Nothings’ were perhaps the remains of the clashes that went on; on the inside.

Her temperament; although volatile at times, was restrained to an extent; her mood swaying to both extremes; the only constant playing pendulum to this whirlwind motion at times was her ‘Nothing’, not giving away anything; just nothing at all. Be it the calm that would descend upon her mind and show up on her face; or be it the raging storm of turmoil that would gather momentum and hit her senses hard; the veil of her ‘Nothings’ held things up for her, holding the fort of her calm with all it’s might, perhaps, it was the base on which the fortress of her sanity was built. It kept her real; made her real and to an extent she had embraced this to be the reality that now surrounded her. The mind boggles as it thinks; as to how she could manage it all and still come up with a ‘Nothing’, just ‘Nothing’ at all. More than annexing to, or being anything real or absurd, it made her the Real Deal, she was; and Yes!! She still is.

No infringement of the worldly chaos could test the resilience of her will when it came to her “Nothings’, it had become intrinsic, perhaps it had mutated into something: that had now become symbolic of her. She wouldn’t trade her ‘Nothings’ for anything; for she knew everything that had gone into making the ‘Nothings’; and it rubbed onto me as well. I found her ‘Nothings’ as intriguing as she was; they were thought provoking; posing a thousand questions; the answers though were lost in her ‘Nothings’; I didn’t mind, for finding an answer would have momentarily halted the cycle of Nothingness that seemed so tantalizing to the mind. Cycle it wasn’t; it was a ferry wheel; the joy of getting hit by the adrenaline of ‘Nothing’ she seemed to pass on to me every time; it was enthralling indeed.

And, her ‘Nothings’ wouldn’t cease at anything, it would lay siege rather; imprisoning my mind; the mind in it’s place would readily surrender to the will of everything that made up her ‘Nothings’. Out beyond the reach of anyone and anything, she held on to her ‘Nothings’ tight; exercising immense control over it, for this is what remained of her; her everything that now felt like ‘Nothing’, perhaps the ‘Nothings’ were her everything now. And, I would give up anything, to follow her into her ‘Nothing’, the ‘Nothingness’ she surrounds herself with; now seems worth the chase. Nothing like Everything?? Ahhh… Who cares??

P.S: “Nothing changes, if nothing changes”. Not in her case though, for that’ll change everything.

The mind can at times sprout belligerent thoughts, no sight of any calm within the vicinity of the paddock where chaotic ideas hop, run and gallop like stallions out in the wild. On the threshold of giving it up again, to lay out and to surrender now seems to be the only way out. Life for long has been a constant battle, right or wrong. No!! Right and Wrong?? What about both? The eruption of such distortion had never been a choice that was up for the taking. It was perhaps the only option I was left with, blessed with. The call of the darkness lulls, as I pass into an oblivion, drunk with afterthoughts of what it would have been, if? Ifs and buts, contradictions galore, but that’s the only sieve the mind has for now; as it filters thought after thought, the residue : it is as dark as the thoughts themselves.

The dark clouds hover on the skies of the mind, the resilience to hold on to anything sane has dissipated, long gone is the hope of any light seeping in. The clutch of the unknown; tightening it’s grip as the vision of all hope that had lingered starts to fade. The mind had sown seeds of positivity, the harvest however is gloom, pale and dull. The over empowering and the towering scalpels of chaos now cutting in, cutting deep; as they pierce through every layer of sanity that dressed up the core of my mind.

And, I realize what’s missing: my support system. The combination of prescribed relief and the will to suppress the dance of the demons. The aid of inorganic compounds to suppress the organic growth of chaos that has now swelled beyond the reach of any control that can be exercised.
The meds work fine, as I feel sedated, the sense of urgency in pulling the curtains down no longer creates a commotion, the nerves calm down as the palpitation ceases. It’ll be all good, the issues for now have been put in the back burner, they’ll be roasted in due time, the mind shall light up; for now let it be.

Life hadn’t been this good, good; I say, as for now to pretend is the easiest trick left in my bag of nothings, the change for which I exchange a few brief moments of momentary relief. Holding up and holding in, this is a long drawn battle. To withstand the knocks and the punches of insanity, sometimes punching above it’s weight, weighing me down. And, I stand still, absorb it all; for it now feels good to be able to balance it all, moments of insanity coupled with bits of fakery.

A part of my lifestyle it has become, to drink down the gloom and to sedate the lurking demons; both work fine as long as I can avoid the sensation of anything real. Real it is, far real than anything else that ever was, perhaps; I hadn’t gauged it’s presence. The darkness can descend; it can thunder down upon me like the hammer of Thor, crushing me with all it’s might. And, it does, but it brings me back to life too, life remains, no matter how lifeless. A hope, a tab and just me; all cornered.

Until then, let the light fade away; let there be darkness. The thoughts can hop and spring and gallop; to sedate to survive and to carry on, I’ll gulp down just another pill. A ray of hope shall emerge as it would put me to sleep. Ahh Wait!! That’s the light flickering at a distance, the light that’s slowly making way. The darkness lulls again, singing me a lullaby. Curtains down, the meds are working fine.

Life’s no fairy tale, set in chaos and cast in misery at times, the ending not even close to something to be deemed good, let alone it being beautiful. But, isn’t beauty relative? At times; elusive, beyond all forms of comprehension, the person in question can for himself decide what is what, and far more importantly, what it shouldn’t be.

There are times when the mind succumbs to depressing thoughts, thoughts that run wild; scamper as if they aren’t bound to anything. Unbound stretches of nothing that gets consigned into an oblivion; it’s all out of nowhere and out of nothing. Hard it is to subjugate the galloping chariot of something that is intrinsically so abstract yet the havoc it runs within is: oh so real. Hoping against hope isn’t difficult; but rather a dream the mind has surrendered itself to. I await the dawn to break in, for the light to arrive; the wait will be a long one for the mind knows hoping against hope isn’t just another thing.

No ending in sight here, not an ending being thought, talked or written about, no planning either, just a frail thought – what if not? But, if(s) and buts, don’t run anything, neither life nor fate, just a havoc maybe, in the mind. The game isn’t complicated, for the mind to decipher, well ! no game in here, for there aren’t too many questions lingering, no question in fact. The issue, however is: engaging the mind to focus on damage control, to be in it’s place and to guide the pulsating sack to pump emotions, to hold onto a few things, to release some; and above all else to ensure no compartments within are emptied.
We, want, need and finally settle for certain things, this helplessness though is beyond the understanding of the mind, to add to the existing chaos – life serves you with options too. Hell No!! Keep it shut, I need none!

An option can remain an option, a choice though is glorious, not having it doesn’t diminish it’s charm, easier said than done it isn’t, or is it? Confusion again, but with a hell lot of clarity hidden in it, meaning rather, as meaningful as the absence of something, a want that keeps the flame burning bright amidst the gloom.

Choices are need-based, wants aren’t, that want of the soul to seek something remains, will remain and it will foster clarity, the gloom and the doom that is all set to engulf the mind, shall cease to exist. No, this isn’t just a thought harbouring in the mind, but a resolve, a resolve of the soul, the soul that had sought light for long and found it finally. The calling has come and the zeal is vigorous than ever, the want has finally set alight the dormant aspiration of the soul to redeem itself.

Not having something is having it too, in some form at least, for the mind is conscious of the limitations, limits all around – fate and destiny, people and their choices. The relief here is the consciousness, the awareness of the existence of something, possessing it does take away the charm. The longing, the everlasting hangover of something being unrequited is a bliss, not many have the privilege of experiencing this high in being low. No pain, No gain; they say: how true!! Yes, it is.

The pleasure of holding something in the mind, and feeding the soul with the thoughts of it is a delight in itself, no narrow boundation of fate and destiny, or people and their choices, just the self – the one who is aware and conscious, all in sync with the emotions gushing out but yet in steady control. This be it, this is it and this will be it; the ‘Choice’ and the ‘Want’ are now the same, I’d settle for it any day. The need of the soul shall be fulfilled, for I see the flame burning bright.

The ending is in sight here, an ending being thought and written about, the planning is done, just a frail thought – what if not? But, if(s) and buts don’t run anything, neither life nor fate, just a havoc maybe, in the mind. The game is complicated, for the mind to decipher, well, no game in here, for there are too many questions lingering. The issue, however is: engaging the mind to focus on damage control, to be in it’s place and guide the pulsating sack to pump emotions, to hold a few things, to release some; and above all else to ensure no compartments within are emptied. Well, the compartment won’t be emptied, the chest is all that I’ll carry, and perhaps, it’ll serve to be my coffin too.

Is this the end of the moment
Or just a beautiful unfolding
Of a love that will never be’
Or maybe be

Everything that I never thought could happen
Or ever come to pass and
I wonder if maybe, maybe I could be

All you ever dreamed ….

(~ Anywhere but here, SafetySuit)

This was just a beautiful unfolding of a chapter that was never meant to be, the mind in it’s place had known the consequences, the heart never cared. We often leave things to destiny, and Mr.Fate hadn’t arm twisted me in conceding this time. This wasn’t a mistake or a mess that had piled up, it was an extraordinary case of experiencing a bliss that would go on to bless my soul with sanity and a zeal to feel the magic of being in love again. No parting pleasantries, no potshots and no camouflaged smiles that would deceive the heart again, the mind now knocked hard; as it realized: love beckoned; having it won’t add to the charm; for the quest of being in love and feeling the same isn’t a function of winning over something.

The feelings aren’t rudderless, for I hadn’t felt anything as visceral; to love-to lose-to lose and to love again; love the same and still the same. No change in the equation, just a few iterations and this is it: this shall go on. No hurt, no pain; a thought lingering within as I now count my blessings. To have felt and to have touched, to have seen and to have been into and beyond the corridors of someone’s heart: to have been able to translate my notion of being in love into something real and to take away a feeling of being drowned and lost in the inconsequential surges of reality; the sweet little pang now feels worth every tragedy I had read. Perhaps, Dickens would now be at peace; for this had been a dream I had dreamt of living always.

There’s no fulfillment greater than being in love with someone you’ll never have for life, there’s no greater joy than to wake up with the hangover of unfulfilled desires that fuel the mind to love better. The heart no longer feels incapable of giving it all away, for now it has, the mind is now set on sailing itself into the galaxies of a parallel universe; both in tandem working towards segregating determination from desperation: To live, to love and to let go.

And, as the song played on the loop, I did realise and I did feel something which now forever shall stay. Well, I did have my share of heartbreaks, this one though was glorious. A redemption for the soul so to say, as I now have nothing to look beyond and forward to. All said and nothing done; the tragedy will now last a lifetime. Nothing in real it was, nothing surreal about it; just an absolute nothingness that holds everything in it’s ambit. The flight towards my parallel universe has finally taken off and so has my ambition in finding meaning to the lost labor of love; that would now remain something I’ll cherish for a lifetime. I did love, Yes I did, for it wasn’t just another tale of unrequited feelings coupled with grief and hurt at not being able to keep or have something. The pang now feels good, it keeps me in my senses as I take strides in striving towards loving the unlovable, and Yes, I shall love.

P.S: The parallel universe beckons, as the stars merely don’t conspire; they have collided this time. A big bang may be, a new universe all around. Yes, I will keep loving and Yes, I will write about it.

Things pile up, so do thoughts; the chains of bondage of the past coerce the mind into falling into a pit again and again. The relapse although isn’t anything but real, often setting in as it gets triggered by just anything. The glorious battle that wages within in, the mind knows it has loosened the grip but it does tend to get enslaved as the dominating impulses of the thoughts jeer it into falling in that awful grave again. The will that seemed resurgent makes an escape into nothingness, frightening it is and so is the lack of control that seems to have evaded the scene of chaos; seeking refuge in the delusional arms of someone who is all set to take control. ~ Diary entry, (dated: 17.06.2017)

Although, I would occasionally scribble a bit, here and there, but mostly it came to nothing. And, I would happily head to the pub assuming words would come by, and they did. She flew by!!

“Writer’s block”; they said, and I assume it was one until I caught a glance of her: dancing without a care in the world, and it struck me like a thunderbolt; for I hadn’t seen something so delightful in ages. I had given up on finding something that would seem soothing not just to the eyes but would tame my soul. For long, I hadn’t experienced that sudden onset of calm; and here I was: captivated, awestruck by her presence as if nothing around me existed. The mind that had been jostling between the scattered remains of the past and the ongoing notions of letting go had finally found something that asked it to hold back; pause, think nothing and simply admire. She had made her entry!!

For someone who had always been a restless soul, there was now one avenue of finally putting the torrid surges of reality to rest, to breathe and to feel the magic that life was panning out. The panorama seemed enchanting, as if all the contours were evened out; nothing filtered as the brushes of her alluring aura had redone the landscape of my existence. To me there now seemed a possibility; a possibility to evolve, a possibility of finding a new zeal to think, to write and above all else a possibility to let go that invisible burden of heaviness which had occupied a dense portion of the junkyard that my mind had become.

I seemed to finally have found a purpose, a muse and a character I could write about, write without being stuck, without losing my sanity and without having to think too much. In her, I found the quick fix solution to my madness, in her I found a way into my madness and in her, I discovered that a slight bit of madness is what keeps me alive. She seemed to be the answer to my literary prayers. No more writer’s block, no more a temporarily uncooperative mind, no all the more flopping for motivation and thoughts. The sun now seemed to shine brighter and the moonlight seemed dazzled with her radiance, she was all around. After long, there was a possibility to raise a toast and not down a drink, it was summer and here I was: celebrating the onset of Spring.

And, Spring, She was; she brought about a new perspective, as if the branches of my mind now had new twigs spreading out; the thought process that had so far been rudderless now knew there was a vision in sight, a dock where the mind was anchoring itself towards. That one sight, one vision and one glance had set my mind on sail; She played the anchor and She, The Northern Star!!

Been a while since I last wrote, since I last had the luxury to sit back, reflect and contemplate on things which were holding me up, had me held in a cocoon that had started to feel slightly comforting. More often than not; the mind tends to get used to that numbing feeling, not that the thought bearing capacity of it were completely paralysed but it was just a zone I had gotten myself into. But, then again like every other time came the calling; not from within though. “Been long since you wrote something”; She said. Well, She said something finally, and this had to be it. I now knew, I had to ruffle the feathers of my now worn out mind to get it started all over again.

The setting wasn’t a cafeteria this time, I hadn’t seen her for long, an occasional video call here and there maybe, but with distance grew the admiration. My mind had fallen for her charm long back, but now it was her grace, and grace indeed it was. She was gracious enough to let me into the meanderings of her own thoughts, which at times unlike mine weren’t rigid. She would talk, and keep talking and then would go mum as if there remained nothing to talk about, she would then again start chattering. Her patterns, very much like her were hard to trace. And, I would just follow course, say nothing; at times feel nothing; just surrender to that feel of her voice; it seemed like a relief. She would often send me voice notes, reading me passages from the books she loved, those to me were perks of her being away. Grace, saving grace; She has been.

The same Sun didn’t shine everyday though, there would often be spells of heavy downpour. The grey skies of her mood would often rain down upon me, no ordinary rain, thunderstorms maybe. I wouldn’t run seeking shelter out of it, I would surrender again; What fun dancing in the rain !! And, when it were She, it felt even better. She would play around, fiddling well with her emotions initially; would try keeping a check on the outburst; ask me to hang up; She would take a few brief moments to breathe heavily and then breathe fire. And,I would seem at loss, but that was her grace again. No ordinary grace.

The distance was a grace too, perhaps it had cemented her even more firmly into my mind. Her thoughts had filled up the cracks that had developed over time, coating and layering up the remains of the mortar from the past. I wouldn’t long for her, for I knew the distance made me think of her all the more. She was in my prayers, She was the prayer and She the grace.

If waking up each day to live, to feel alive has been God’s grace, to be able to think and give direction to my thoughts and my words has been hers. To be able to capture her moments of calm and of fury has been a grace too. Well, no ordinary grace, just not !!

It wasn’t a day like any other, well; to start of: it was; just another day when I woke up late and checked my wallet; the notes hadn’t multiplied and I, for the umpteenth time realized: it sucked to be jobless. I had been jobless for 10 months then; financial resources had started drying up; although I had just enough savings to buy me three drinks a day for the next couple of months, I couldn’t afford any other luxury. And, that is what being jobless does to you, over a period of time you start focusing on your priorities. A good night’s sleep was all that mattered then, and Rum was my anti-depressant after everything else had failed. I had to be at the pub, down the three drinks I could afford and leave; it had become a routine of sorts. I looked forward to nothing else, the days were spent scribbling and making notes or hanging out with a friend who like me was jobless too except for the fact that he could afford to buy fuel for his motorbike.

Not wandering anywhere, I would gain nothing out it. But, the days were scary, the taunts of my parents to the visions of my ex; my stand up gigs getting bombed and my dream to land on the Australian shores fading away. Not so good times!!

And as the cocktail of all such thoughts started showing it’s effect, my cellphone beeped: “It’s my birthday, party at 7pm. Be there”. Hell!! I had to be there, drinks for free; something that would save me some cash, also I would get to see new faces, something I hadn’t seen for a while. Who knew, I would get to see someone who would go onto realign my planets for good.

All set for the evening I was, the wallet though felt light, it had been such for months now but who cared? I didn’t have to buy him a gift, my good wishes meant more; shamelessness coupled with penury can work wonders. To cut it short, I made my way into the party, carrying nothing but for my dented self-esteem and a packet of cigarettes, lest I had to offer someone; smoking together could be a great icebreaker. And, it was in the midst of one such smoke filled conversation with a friend: I chanced upon what I was perhaps destined to see, a sight that left me wonderstruck: She was right there!!

I didn’t know who She was, I hadn’t seen her before, all that I knew for now was that it was after long that I felt good, my hormones weren’t kicking my butt; my mind was, no piano played in the background but her aura seemed to have worked, I did feel numb; as if nothing else existed. The crowd had drowned out, I could sense nothing but the radiance that she emitted. All that I could do as I mustered my guts, looked up and blurted; “I am sorry, it was just a joke. I didn’t mean you.”

What more could a jobless, loveless, penniless and humorless comic do?? My joke killed it, well literally, it did. A bad joke, bad timing and maybe bad luck too. There was a damsel and there was me in distress.

Holy Moly !!