Somnolence !!

The mind can at times sprout belligerent thoughts, no sight of any calm within the vicinity of the paddock where chaotic ideas hop, run and gallop like stallions out in the wild. On the threshold of giving it up again, to lay out and to surrender now seems to be the only way out. Life for long has been a constant battle, right or wrong. No!! Right and Wrong?? What about both? The eruption of such distortion had never been a choice that was up for the taking. It was perhaps the only option I was left with, blessed with. The call of the darkness lulls, as I pass into an oblivion, drunk with afterthoughts of what it would have been, if? Ifs and buts, contradictions galore, but that’s the only sieve the mind has for now; as it filters thought after thought, the residue : it is as dark as the thoughts themselves.

The dark clouds hover on the skies of the mind, the resilience to hold on to anything sane has dissipated, long gone is the hope of any light seeping in. The clutch of the unknown; tightening it’s grip as the vision of all hope that had lingered starts to fade. The mind had sown seeds of positivity, the harvest however is gloom, pale and dull. The over empowering and the towering scalpels of chaos now cutting in, cutting deep; as they pierce through every layer of sanity that dressed up the core of my mind.

And, I realize what’s missing: my support system. The combination of prescribed relief and the will to suppress the dance of the demons. The aid of inorganic compounds to suppress the organic growth of chaos that has now swelled beyond the reach of any control that can be exercised.
The meds work fine, as I feel sedated, the sense of urgency in pulling the curtains down no longer creates a commotion, the nerves calm down as the palpitation ceases. It’ll be all good, the issues for now have been put in the back burner, they’ll be roasted in due time, the mind shall light up; for now let it be.

Life hadn’t been this good, good; I say, as for now to pretend is the easiest trick left in my bag of nothings, the change for which I exchange a few brief moments of momentary relief. Holding up and holding in, this is a long drawn battle. To withstand the knocks and the punches of insanity, sometimes punching above it’s weight, weighing me down. And, I stand still, absorb it all; for it now feels good to be able to balance it all, moments of insanity coupled with bits of fakery.

A part of my lifestyle it has become, to drink down the gloom and to sedate the lurking demons; both work fine as long as I can avoid the sensation of anything real. Real it is, far real than anything else that ever was, perhaps; I hadn’t gauged it’s presence. The darkness can descend; it can thunder down upon me like the hammer of Thor, crushing me with all it’s might. And, it does, but it brings me back to life too, life remains, no matter how lifeless. A hope, a tab and just me; all cornered.

Until then, let the light fade away; let there be darkness. The thoughts can hop and spring and gallop; to sedate to survive and to carry on, I’ll gulp down just another pill. A ray of hope shall emerge as it would put me to sleep. Ahh Wait!! That’s the light flickering at a distance, the light that’s slowly making way. The darkness lulls again, singing me a lullaby. Curtains down, the meds are working fine.