Been a while since I last wrote, since I last had the luxury to sit back, reflect and contemplate on things which were holding me up, had me held in a cocoon that had started to feel slightly comforting. More often than not; the mind tends to get used to that numbing feeling, not that the thought bearing capacity of it were completely paralysed but it was just a zone I had gotten myself into. But, then again like every other time came the calling; not from within though. “Been long since you wrote something”; She said. Well, She said something finally, and this had to be it. I now knew, I had to ruffle the feathers of my now worn out mind to get it started all over again.
The setting wasn’t a cafeteria this time, I hadn’t seen her for long, an occasional video call here and there maybe, but with distance grew the admiration. My mind had fallen for her charm long back, but now it was her grace, and grace indeed it was. She was gracious enough to let me into the meanderings of her own thoughts, which at times unlike mine weren’t rigid. She would talk, and keep talking and then would go mum as if there remained nothing to talk about, she would then again start chattering. Her patterns, very much like her were hard to trace. And, I would just follow course, say nothing; at times feel nothing; just surrender to that feel of her voice; it seemed like a relief. She would often send me voice notes, reading me passages from the books she loved, those to me were perks of her being away. Grace, saving grace; She has been.
The same Sun didn’t shine everyday though, there would often be spells of heavy downpour. The grey skies of her mood would often rain down upon me, no ordinary rain, thunderstorms maybe. I wouldn’t run seeking shelter out of it, I would surrender again; What fun dancing in the rain !! And, when it were She, it felt even better. She would play around, fiddling well with her emotions initially; would try keeping a check on the outburst; ask me to hang up; She would take a few brief moments to breathe heavily and then breathe fire. And,I would seem at loss, but that was her grace again. No ordinary grace.
The distance was a grace too, perhaps it had cemented her even more firmly into my mind. Her thoughts had filled up the cracks that had developed over time, coating and layering up the remains of the mortar from the past. I wouldn’t long for her, for I knew the distance made me think of her all the more. She was in my prayers, She was the prayer and She the grace.
If waking up each day to live, to feel alive has been God’s grace, to be able to think and give direction to my thoughts and my words has been hers. To be able to capture her moments of calm and of fury has been a grace too. Well, no ordinary grace, just not !!
abhishek purkayastha 