Things pile up, so do thoughts; the chains of bondage of the past coerce the mind into falling into a pit again and again. The relapse although isn’t anything but real, often setting in as it gets triggered by just anything. The glorious battle that wages within in, the mind knows it has loosened the grip but it does tend to get enslaved as the dominating impulses of the thoughts jeer it into falling in that awful grave again. The will that seemed resurgent makes an escape into nothingness, frightening it is and so is the lack of control that seems to have evaded the scene of chaos; seeking refuge in the delusional arms of someone who is all set to take control. ~ Diary entry, (dated: 17.06.2017)
Although, I would occasionally scribble a bit, here and there, but mostly it came to nothing. And, I would happily head to the pub assuming words would come by, and they did. She flew by!!
“Writer’s block”; they said, and I assume it was one until I caught a glance of her: dancing without a care in the world, and it struck me like a thunderbolt; for I hadn’t seen something so delightful in ages. I had given up on finding something that would seem soothing not just to the eyes but would tame my soul. For long, I hadn’t experienced that sudden onset of calm; and here I was: captivated, awestruck by her presence as if nothing around me existed. The mind that had been jostling between the scattered remains of the past and the ongoing notions of letting go had finally found something that asked it to hold back; pause, think nothing and simply admire. She had made her entry!!
For someone who had always been a restless soul, there was now one avenue of finally putting the torrid surges of reality to rest, to breathe and to feel the magic that life was panning out. The panorama seemed enchanting, as if all the contours were evened out; nothing filtered as the brushes of her alluring aura had redone the landscape of my existence. To me there now seemed a possibility; a possibility to evolve, a possibility of finding a new zeal to think, to write and above all else a possibility to let go that invisible burden of heaviness which had occupied a dense portion of the junkyard that my mind had become.
I seemed to finally have found a purpose, a muse and a character I could write about, write without being stuck, without losing my sanity and without having to think too much. In her, I found the quick fix solution to my madness, in her I found a way into my madness and in her, I discovered that a slight bit of madness is what keeps me alive. She seemed to be the answer to my literary prayers. No more writer’s block, no more a temporarily uncooperative mind, no all the more flopping for motivation and thoughts. The sun now seemed to shine brighter and the moonlight seemed dazzled with her radiance, she was all around. After long, there was a possibility to raise a toast and not down a drink, it was summer and here I was: celebrating the onset of Spring.
And, Spring, She was; she brought about a new perspective, as if the branches of my mind now had new twigs spreading out; the thought process that had so far been rudderless now knew there was a vision in sight, a dock where the mind was anchoring itself towards. That one sight, one vision and one glance had set my mind on sail; She played the anchor and She, The Northern Star!!
abhishek purkayastha 