“You can’t hold on to hate for long, someday you will realise, you wouldn’t write about it then.”; She had said and now I know it is true. I was this; out of love guy who had been ditched, and ditched badly, although it did make me bitter and cemented the base of my mind with trust issues, I knew it was draining too. To wake up every day and recharge the battery of my mind with angst and hatred wasn’t helping me, I would crack jokes, often lame and write stuff to keep myself going, it would often end up in spiralling my own mood down.
She was trying to make me see sense in something I had for long considered insensible, so great was my magnitude of hatred that it had choked up the way for any reasoning to make it through. She had this knack of blabbering out silly stuff, and then going silent. “You will hate me too, and write about it as well.”; She said. A silence then prevailed, She knew I wouldn’t, I knew I wouldn’t too. How could I?? Her argument wasn’t backed by logic, never had it been; but her silly talk had deep connotations. I could sense a million things were wrong, wrong in me. I had held on to stuff which were insignificant, I was writing about stuff that hadn’t helped shape me into anything good and I was bothered by things I had no control upon.
She had once again very subtly made sense seep into my mind, although the silence still prevailed. I hadn’t written anything substantial for a long time, it had been months actually and I was too occupied in finding content which would satisfy the hunger of my hateful mind, I hadn’t dived deep within myself or looked at my surroundings, I hadn’t just made any attempt at discovering the magic spell that had been cast. Her chatter could move me, her silence often provoked my mind to think, and this was magical. It took me 100 days finally to find out what I was lacking, to cast away the writer’s block that had taken over, the nonsense was finally segregated.
From commenting on my blog to that reaction on the Facebook post and now inspiring me to write with her silence, She had come a long way; I did too. A new flight awaited, the lost zeal found and I had a muse, not ordinary but something my hard luck had finally been gracious enough to bless me with.
She would tell me tales, mesmerise me with her magic and stun me with her silence, the impact of all of it would be found in whatever I wrote. She wouldn’t necessarily agree to whatever I thought, rarely She did, her defiance helped me too, provided me with enough content to think and jot down. I could scribble randomly, think phrases and connect them with her. All her shades, all her contours and everything She had making me think, making me feel and making me write.
The hatred could be sidelined, the angst finally done away with, with hope and life and words now blossoming in the gardens of my mind, She walked in and spring set in, She carried the winds of change, She was the wind of change, the air underneath my wings as I tried to now soar towards her, in her quest.
The bitterness now replaced by all things sweet, the silence that held me in tight grip and her chatter drowning out the remains of all things dead, She had descended upon the barren land of my mind to sow and to reap it with her magic.
Her silence still prevails, her lips unmoving; the wind still blows. I look out again. Ahh !! She’s here.
abhishek purkayastha 