“You live only once, you love only once”; at this juncture in life this seems to make sense, although partially. I did love, and will continue to live. But, did I love just once? No, I didn’t, there’s heartbreak or a rejection everyone has faced, lived and experienced. Mine was probably a one sided affair, a comedy of unrequited love. Not taking any names here, not going to mention any anecdotes either. What I am going to write will probably sum up that feeling of falling for someone for the very first time.

It might have been an infatuation if I think of it now, but somewhere, deep within a locked compartment of the heart the feeling remains. The formative years perhaps, 12-13 year old; I was on the threshold of experiencing something new, the feeling of falling for someone. The feeling I developed then; towards someone was as pure as the driven snow, unadulterated not an iota of lust or physicality involved. It was perhaps that one glance and one eye contact that mattered. To be able to see her from a distance was an achievement in itself. And, I believe a few people would relate to this.

Love back then wasn’t held captive by expectations, just that feeling of getting up and being able to see her just for once was all that mattered. And, somewhere this remains, to be able to give it all without knowing what the future holds, while treading on the fine line between maturity and immaturity is something that never happens again. When there existed no calculated risks, no win-loss situation, when a Yes or a No just didn’t matter, is something that will never happen in life again. Also, the commitment level: to be fascinated by something without expecting anything in return is something that fades with maturity. The feeling of being in love then wasn’t bound by practicality, it knew no reason. It wasn’t narrow, driven only by emotions; proposal-disposal didn’t matter, the mind and the heart worked in sync, no disagreement between the two, for both sought that one common thing – just a glance, and maybe; a smile.

And as somewhere down the line, I grew up, realized this wasn’t meant to be and found love again. But did I forget the feeling I had for that someone who to this day remains the first person to have made me go weak in the knees?? I did not; and this as I had mentioned will stay for a lifetime. This is what shaped me, shaped my attitude towards feeling and falling for someone again. To this day, I get Goosebumps if I hear her name, to this day I have this image etched on my mind and to this day, that adolescent love affair of mine, although one sided; continues to shape my outlook towards a relationship.
That said, we men, most of us have been through this I believe, and we never grow up, perhaps never grow out of it.

Love and relationships might come and go, but that feeling of being in love for the very first time remains, it stays within us. We choose not to show it, maturity sets in, but there’s this tiny little space within our hearts that still pulsates thinking about the days bygone. Falling in and out of love might happen; keeps happening but the first experience remains special forever, for there didn’t exist any ifs, buts or may be (s).
May be that one expectation from one’s own self to make it work, no commitment, no fantasies, and no worries about what is to come? And that feeling is something I know, at least I, for myself will never experience again. Sheryl Crow did say it right when she sang, “The first cut is the deepest”. The scars remain, I don’t show it, but it doesn’t haunt me either. It makes me smile, for I did love once; I’ll love again but; I’ll not love the way I loved her.

P.S: Whoever she might have been, wherever she might be, she will always be special; for she was the first one to have knocked on the door of my heart. Life and Love will go on, but that tiny little space shall forever remain vacant.