Back to the place where it all started, the quest to absorb divinity; to let go an unknown burden which has been haunting my night’s sleep for quite some time now. False distractions, superficialities and sudden collisions of opposing ideas and ideals; which were running havoc in the mind, controlling every urge of mine that withheld me from breaking the shackles of my own self imposed restrictions. A prisoner I had become; caged within the four walls of my inhibitions. The surge of unfathomable emotions coupled with the desire of flowing with it, was rather choking me; I wished to swim and stay afloat, perhaps I had underestimated the prowess of my emotions, drowned I was; and here I am, victimized by my own self.
The never ending tussle within me; the right versus the right, the wrongs not anywhere in the picture, and it is bleak. Hard it is to pick and choose, to cast away a part of me that seemed so dear; to live; to laugh; to love and just as another notion strikes: to simply survive; seems hard. Dark thoughts cloud up the mind, no sign of the rain, and stay right up there; playing ball with the vulnerability that has now made way.
The cracks have to be plastered and coated yet again; the soul needs no veil, no more; just the ability to withstand the tremors of the transient thoughts. The becoming – unbecoming of all things temporary, the emotions which roam scot free and can’t be tamed, all such self-eroding practices the mind involves itself in, leading to the corruption of thoughts and onset of misery: there has to be an end to it. The apathy that has taken over every bit of me, aiding the reluctance in me; of giving it all up: there has to be an end to it. The passivity I’ve lost out; the propensity to love without any attachment involved; and the proneness to all emotions negative: this has to be set in order. The mind knows: there’s no back to default option, yet the prayer of setting it right: let this be heard.
The wandering soul for now seeks rest and refuge; for it has grown tired of itself.
The defiance will cease perhaps, the walls will collapse as I confide in me. There’s no consequence greater and of greater good than me surrendering to myself, merging the known with the unknown; setting sight onto something that will take form, formless it might be for now; but it will be liberating to let go. As I let myself go, let every ounce of emotion dissipate; this struggle of holding on will not forever be; I am here now; and I shall surrender, like I had the last time when I was here. Under His siege, I will witness the unison of what is to be, and what isn’t and will never be. There will be a way out of this, His light paving the way. The mortar of belief and the bricks of my emotions will be set in place, the Mason will create the base; if need be.
The Azhan is heard, resonating deep within my ears; as if cleansing me of the rot that had layered up on my soul. The moment of reckoning is here, and as the quail grows within, the Qawwali; playing in the neighborhood is calming me down; as if mellowing down the frenzy that had made my mind it’s eternal home. This will take time, this for now: feels like therapy; me and my moment of truth; face to face, His Divine light flushing out the remains of what I had done to myself.
Free me from my own falsehood.
These illusions of my mind.
These superficialities of my actions.
या निज़ामुद्दीन औलिया,
या निज़ामुद्दीन सलक़ा II
abhishek purkayastha 