“No regrets, thanks”; read my last text, it had been the hallmark of my friendships, never carried any regrets, remorse, maybe a Yes; but never a regret, not an iota of it.
I had realised toxicity could camouflage itself often, often in the form of a friendship we have treasured, but we’d rather disassociate the veiled toxicity and open ourselves to the validation that we are subjected to. It had been a trait, not forever though, at this age: when hairs have started greying and joints have started to ache, it was no startling revelation for me, for many a month I had been contemplating at letting it go, at scissoring the thread of my relationship with a certain person which was held together by judgements, and mere judgements only.
They say, ‘a friend in need is a friend indeed’; well, he did live up to it, but it came with a set of notions, his notions, which I had gotten used to, I had been adhering to them for long. This was perhaps the last straw: his judgement of who I was, and it had to be in accordance to what I was when I was 16, he might have failed to notice my greying hairs and my decaying relationship with everyone I was surrounded by.
I was not born perfect, won’t die perfect either, but so far I had been trying to fit in, was trying to mould myself into something I was certainly not capable of, his regret couldn’t be my command, and thus the text, it had to be the end of it. I could no longer drag myself into carrying a burden which was a bag of questionnaires, laden with jibes and mockery. I for once could muster all my courage and end something I had treasured for eighteen long years, the treasury had turned to treachery by now, reminding me every moment of something I lacked, and this is where the never ending cycle of seeking validation had developed it’s roots.
We, evolve, gain life experiences, meet people and add to our perspective on life, we move ahead, at times lag behind; we do it at our pace. We choose the people we like to be with, and this has been a part of the process of evolution. We learn – unlearn and relearn stuff, and we often leave things behind; now, to be judged on the basis of what we were, and what our thoughts were decades ago would seem foolish, I had been naive but not to this extent.
And, thus the realisation: it was time, high time to let it go, my impression on someone is his prerogative, his judgement of me would be to his likening, I have a life to lead, happiness to pursue, I’d rather excuse myself from the trial I had gotten involved in. Life’s no popularity contest, and the pace of it is already too scorching for my ego handling talent to make it through.
It’s been another lesson I stumbled upon, another eye opener, I certainly haven’t greyed my hairs in the sun.
abhishek purkayastha 