Carpe Diem

If you’re going through hell, keep going.
~ Winston Churchill

I chose the hellish fire over the heavenly showers, I knew to myself what the consequences would be, what awaited. But then, life was about a choice, just one perhaps. Boxes to be ticked, and questions to be answered, when life posed a rather difficult one posing one over another, I flipped out.

There have been but just a couple of important people in my life, both equally important, both women, both moulded me in what I would go on to become, and now what would remain of me. A reckless soul, with pieces of it trying to hold up and engaged in keeping other souls happy.
‘I am attracted to tragedies, so I attract tragedies’. Someone had once told me, it was as recent as yesterday and as I now sit back and reflect upon what I have actually done, a question pops up again. Have I succeeded in keeping other souls happy? If, Yes, to what extent?

I hadn’t been bothered by what was to come, I had always lived for today, I gave up on my tomorrow in my quest to live up to this notion. As, I now lie flat on my face, having fallen from the heavens I were once treading upon, the bruises and the scars don’t show. They remain within, lying deep, camouflaging everything I have been withstanding. I chose to lose out, I was the jockey riding my own stallion, as I now stand battered, this will haunt me for life.

It were just a call, not ordinary though, the consequence enormous and enormously scary, the nights now feel longer than it had ever been, the dawn might never dawn upon my life. Lights out it were, curtains down; the show’s over, but it’ll go on, ‘manage the show’; they said. Well, it will be managed, an obligation and not bound by reason or purpose, the futility of it all shall never make sense, for when it did I seemed to be at loss.

The crux of the matter: being good, doing good never happened. The stench, the rotten pus, all that had made way for my divine healing to take place, now back to infect the mind. ‘Tis shall stay, the infected heart now swollen with a void, a vacuum so massive that everything else now feels too miniscule to compare. The conviction of the mind that led to this now missing in action, analysis-paralysis !! Too devout to earthly decisions life had been, now all that exists has hellish attributes.

To live, to breathe, to die; all but the same, the gallows of life aren’t that glorious. But, it were me; all for me; the bow and the arrow: the string in my hands, shot by me and at me, as the heart now bleeds, all that remains is an iota of remorse: What if? But, then? Doubts and apprehensions, no scope for answers to arrive. The heavens of life, now my living hell. Treading and living through, breathing and basking in fire.

To have lost out, and to cope: Carpe Diem!!

I know what tomorrow holds, today; let me just burn again.