Lunatic..

Life seems to have mellowed down, gone are the days when confusion prevailed; the nights when chaos took over. The only thought now buzzing in the head is now to take control, of the situation maybe. The last couple of months have taught me a great deal, taught me to unlearn and relearn a few things, my ordeals now seem insignificant when I think of what lies ahead. A vast sea of nothingness, maybe.

It has been hard to hold the mind’s reins, to pivot it towards where it wants to be, the tussle within is perhaps creating the buzz, growing louder with each passing moment, drowning every bit of consciousness. To hold, to harness and to be in control, to breathe, to sigh and to consume all that my head is up to has been a task worth enduring.

I haven’t had the luxury to listen to the voices in my head for a long long time, it feels as if I am now face to face with myself, with my own true self. There remains no baggage tied to my heart causing a blockage of the air of relief that I was so badly seeking, there is no induced melodrama being played out by the characters I had woven in the fairytales which I thought would one day be real. With everything now seeming more far fetched than it actually were, it has been slightly easier to convince the heart to agree with the grey matter.

But then, I have always been a lunatic, my sanity has been dependent on the changes of the Moon. That’s what the ‘word’, in it’s most literal sense means. This way and that, my mind can swivel; the absence of chaos is anything but permanent. The buzz, for now is the only thing keeping me sane, holding me in good stead. And, as I think of it; I pour myself a drink; raise a toast to all that my mind has been through; from the abrasion caused by corrosive thoughts to the metamorphosis which I hadn’t expected. This has been a glorious battle, the buzz is nothing but the battle cry, all good and all sane, all steady and no pain.

But, the Moon’s out there playing peekaboo; hypnotizing my sanity. The lunatic in me falling for it, the charm; the spell; as I see it’s light washing over me. Again, not again? let me pour another drink, for now there’s a melancholy far more intriguing. The head buzzing, the Moon out in the skies, and me?? Let me make another drink.