Disclaimer : The write up is purely a work of fiction, the author does not advocate the idea of suicide under any circumstances. It is his firm belief that people dealing with anxiety and depression need professional help along with the support of their near and dear ones. The author has tried to portray suicidal tendencies just the way he had experienced them, having been in a state of depression in the past. He in no way, suggests ending one’s life as a wise decision taken by a healthy mind. The author believes that numerous lives can be saved if we are more aware of how common it is for depressed people to feel suicidal; and come to the rescue of those who suffer without being understood.
And, it wasn’t a relapse, it certainly wasn’t; just a phase maybe, when the mind wanders back in time. There’s no bondage, no trail of the gloom that had once set in to disrupt what seemed to be a life worth dying for. Dying for, did I say that? Well, it did turn into one, not dying for actually, but not worth living to be precise. Existential crisis looming in the mind, paralyzing everything that I held. Emotions dissipating and feelings?? Well, who cared a dime? None, not even the soul which was waiting in the wings to flee.
Cut to the present, there’s hope, there’s a will but nothing at stake, just a solitary mind that ventures into the corridors of the past, unlocking the door that it had shut by itself, with a resilience that was then a combination of anti-depressants, alcohol and prayers of my well-wishers. No!! Not again Abhishek; the heart screams but the voices in the head are too busy at work, suppressing those scary thoughts is no big deal, it isn’t? Or is it?? And, just as I decide, this fraction of second is all that it takes for the floodgates to open. The low tides are here, flooding it all up, the horrid screams of the past just too loud, sinking me all in.
Boom! And I am back in time, those pills, that night and an attempt to put an end to all the miseries that seemed to have conquered my will to live. Not an embarrassment certainly, but the head hangs down in shame and remorse – Yes I did.
Pills popped, the hands trembled and I let out a sigh and a prayer, this is it – I win. As if, I had flipped the bird to the ongoing tussle within, my fate seemed powerless for a moment. And, a black out, the light fading away, it seemed like a relief at last. But, fate had a comeback in store, a terrible one so to say, I survived, the existential crisis just didn’t cease. Waking up after a good 28 hours, the miseries welcomed me back to my senses, the body had given up, and the soul didn’t. Perhaps, the soul hadn’t gotten over the affair it had with the cage that had held it captive.
The mind and the heart had nothing to scream, the war had ceased as the body sought water, some energy; to take in that shit again. A new ordeal awaited, my soul had rejected my idea of doing away with it. A rejection again, a brand new depression to suffer, “I had failed”!!
And, what I a marvelous failure it was, it injected life back into me. No, this isn’t me glorifying my lack of tenacity, but a confession, a horrid one from the vault of my past. Lesson learnt – Suicide isn’t the answer, it isn’t a remedy nor is it an act of cowardice as most people assume. The mind ruptures at times, the will to give it all up seems more profound. And, the drive within is crazy, no control can be exercised when all vital organs seek redemption, it’s all in the mind – they say, and there lies a reason.
Gates Closed – the floods have receded.
abhishek purkayastha 