Call of the void – Although, not many know what this term actually means, I had first heard of it during my engineering days; I wasn’t aware of the human psyche and mental health had a whole set of different meanings attached to it then, people weren’t too aware either and it wasn’t something that was openly talked about or discussed. Today, as I write this piece; I am glad that I know a bit about the issue; can talk and discuss about the same.
The sudden tendency of the mind to end life and the pull back or do something totally insane and self destructive, the restraint that prevents us from causing harm to ourselves. This is what the call of the void is. The sudden urge to jump in front of a speeding train, or a high cliff, and then holding back. This is what the call is. It isn’t being suicidal, it’s rather the split-second decision our mind makes not to, a unique way of us holding back, pausing and appreciating life. And, this is very natural; one doesn’t have to be depressed to feel the call of the void.
I have had my issues, battling with the monsters my mind had created, I have felt suicidal and I have made many a feeble attempt aimed at coming out of the misery life had become, although there wasn’t anything left to be appreciated about life, but having failed at my not so glorious attempts did teach me a thing or two. Perhaps, my issue lied in over thinking and over dependence on medication to calm my nerves, sleepless nights and horrid thoughts which seemed to multiply every time I tried contemplating on what life had become. Everyone battles some crisis or the other, to me: mine seemed the hardest, the most difficult to cope; overcoming it was out of the picture. Moreover, we all have different coping mechanisms, but what could I do when my synapses had snapped and mechanisms failed. But, failure is a teacher too; creating life is easy, ending it – that’s too difficult, although it might take a few seconds to really do it, but then, it is complex; more complex than what life is. Too many thoughts, too many doubts and just too many unnecessary questions. Who’d cry if I died? Too many people too, and I stopped. The urge didn’t die though, neither did I. I live on, the urge still does; a never ending battle within me; confronting me with questions and giving me the answers as well. What a terrific war within!!
The call, A void and me saying no to it, a constancy of life it has become; not just a split second decision here, a contemplation that often runs for hours, days and now for years. The urge to and not to at the same time. Life is to be appreciated despite all the flaws that come with it, the show has to be managed and the smile faked, but at the cost of what? The cost of life again, living a death to live a life; this barter is perplexing, but so is life. Ahh!! A thing of beauty too, glorious uncertainties.
And, as the urge to end it and escape comes again, I pop in my med. I look at the brighter side, life is to be experienced for now if not lived, to survive and see it through. The call shall be forever, the void would be constant; but the pull to resist and survive and write about it: that’s far greater. This is one cycle, a vicious one. The start, the end; all the same. The urge and the restraint, the pull and the hold; all finely balanced. I write, and the question lingers: Who’d cry if I die? Let’s write about it, the pull can wait, the mind and the meds are working fine.
P.S: The opinions are my own, I don’t endorse suicide, it isn’t the solution to anything and can never be.
abhishek purkayastha 